When I realized that my habits had caused my metabolism to become “uber” efficient the result was some hard reflection focusing on my need for control in this part of my life. It was time to make a change. I decided I had to start eating three healthy meals a day and accept the inevitable weight gain. I chose to trust in God that my body would accept the change. I didn’t gain much weight and was thankful believing I was healthier.

Body image and body imagine problems are difficult to heal. Even though I made a healthy choice, I still struggle. I have been thin and well . . . “fluffy”. Regardless of my weight, my body always looks the same to me. I look like “a mom”. I weighed the most after Matthias’ birth. I was struggling with physical and emotional pain. It was through exercise at the local rec center that I recovered. The weight came off slowly - I didn’t lose a single pound for six months. It was in the activity, finding a safe place to be, and working towards health that was important. I regained my health, I mourned, and I survived.

I know the way I look at myself isn’t based in reality. My body is amazing. It has bore 10 children and nursed 9. It has been stronger then I thought possible. I think it is beautiful and I know my family agrees. I know I am healthy and I know my current weight is, well . . . ok. I know emotionally that it doesn't make sense to become an exercise fanatic when my image doesn’t change much in my mind.

So back to the issue of fasting. You can see why the issue of fasting is a touchy one for me. Weeks before Ash Wednesday, I had a particular person to pray for, to pray hard, to pray constantly. I have faith in God and His promises and I could feel Him tell me that this was a crucial and that I needed to pray, and I did. Then, I listened to a talk about St. Francis De Sales and the speaker said that in some occasions one should pray, fast and give alms. I was all in. Yes! I can do this!

From that moment, I continued to pray. I found sources of almsgiving and I fasted. I do not skip meals. I fast by not eating or drinking anything but water between meals. The thought that fasting might result in weight loss did occur to me. Actually, it occurred to me several times. I pushed back hard against the thought. Was it control that I desired? Do I fast not because it is hard but because I can? Do I feel empowered by the control I feel in this? “No”, I answered, “this was a spiritual exercise, not physical.” This is not about me! Or is it?

I knew fully the answer when I stepped on the scale on “Fat Tuesday”. Don’t laugh, it’s not that funny. I had fasted nine days and I had gained 7 pounds! I nearly threw the bathroom scale out the window! I must explain that I usually fast between meals during Lent. It is one of those parts that I explained earlier. I love it that Lent is completely different - every day, every part of my life that I can “Lentanize”, the better. So in response to years of genuine questioning my intentions, I did and do not use the scale during Lent. Last year, I prayed that my fasting would result in not and single pound lost, and I didn’t. I was pleased and oh, so disappointed! Now it had happened again and I needed to figure this out. What would I do if my desire to fast had nothing sacrificial about it? What if I had created a lent in my own image?

The last straw was placed when I saw Matthew Kelly’s, “Best Lent Ever.” Its headline, Please Don’t Give Up Chocolate for Lent! Arrrghhhhh! Ash Wednesday had passed and I was as confused as ever. I had to do something. If I was using Lent as a glorified diet then that was wrong. I made a bold decision; I opened the refrigerator and pulled out a Cherry Coke from the back. I don’t know how it got there and I was honestly sick of seeing it. I don’t like cherry cola so it seemed like the best remedy. (Yes, I was functionally insane) I didn’t enjoy it at all so I topped it off with a pop tart, which was tasty. There, it was done, no fasting this Lent.

We are reminded by the Church that Lent is a time for metanoia a time to change our minds. Turn away from the sin in our lives and focus on Christ. It is a time to remember His sacrifice that restored us to Himself. My decisions to turn away from sin, to stow my cell phone while driving, to remove the digital distraction I crave and instead focus on the people in the room, to avoid impatience and indifference is the real work of Lent.

Lent should be different and that difference should change our lives beyond Easter. If we always give up the same things each year then perhaps those things are either: not sinful, or if they are and we are not attacking our sin. In such a case, we are not growing in holiness. It is a lack of contrition that leads one to happily confess the same sins over and over. Together, lets move beyond last year’s Lent, trusting God to show us the areas to reform in our lives.

When Jesus went out into the desert, He fasted and prayed. Most of all, He abandoned himself to the Father. He trusted in the Father’s Will for 40 days, in His mission, and all the way to the Cross. Let us walk into the desert with Him, abandoning our will and submitting to God’s plan for our lives.

May our days of preparation for Easter be blessed and may we grow in sincerity and genuine holiness!